on the dad thing

Happy Father's Day. I need to give a shout out to Quiet Guy on this special day. He is a wonderful father. Before he came into my life, and before we had our first daughter, I never had a clue what the whole father thing was all about, never having had one to speak of personally. The concept of dad was just something I never thought about: a blank slot in my mind.

     I'll never forget when it dawned on me what I'd missed. I was walking Lauren around the neighborhood in her stroller, as I did every day. She was about ten months old. I was mulling over the weekend we'd had, thinking about QG holding her hands and walking behind to steady her, about him feeding her and taking such delight in her presence. Without warning, I felt the flush of realization wash over me, almost in a physical way. That's what happens with me; I wander around cluelessly for the longest on any given concept, noticing small particulars here and there, till all in a rush, my brain pieces the puzzle together, and I suddenly know the thing completely.

     One minute, I was walking along pushing a stroller, the next, I was stoppped, doubled over. In that instant I percieved what I'd missed out on. I finally knew what a dad was. This was good news and bad news. On one hand, It was nice to understand what all the fuss was about, but on the other, I couldn't help being dissapointed about what I'd missed out on. It took a few years, several in fact, to work through that but I really have. I am cool with it now. We don't always get to choose the life we're handed. But we can choose to work at making peace with our past. No matter what, we can strive to be happy, for happiness is always within our reach.