The Goldstars' Annual Christmas Letter

We made it back from California in one piece. A long, long drive, in a jam-packed minivan, which started out poorly. Pictures soon. 

Yesterday, I sat down to write our Christmas letter for the people we never get to see, but want to keep in touch with, like college buddies. I wasn't very motivated to recount all the blah, blah, blah of our ordinary past year. Somehow, (as if by magic) my pen skitterred along and I found myself writing about a much more exciting and totally skilled family than mine will ever be: the Goldstars. Maybe you are lucky enough to have friends or family of the Goldstars' caliber and to have received their annual Holiday letter. Enjoy.

Dear Friends,

Happy Holidays! It’s happened again: an entire year has passed while I have refused to age one tiny bit. Though I’ve added duct tape to my morning beauty regimen. There comes a day when even Oil of Olay’s anti-aging serum cannot eliminate all fine lines and wrinkles and one must turn to something more powerful. Flesh-colored duct tape. You heard it here first.

I hope this past year has been good to you and yours! Now comes the boring part where I recount another typical year for the Goldstar clan. We won the lottery, single-handedly achieved world peace, and lost all but five ounces of our body fat. Then we adopted every stray dog in the Dallas area, opened a soup kitchen, and taught all local toddlers to read. After that, we devised an innovative new approach to public transit, thereby transforming our state into the nation-wide model for both efficiency and commuter satisfaction.

Ted “Big Daddy” Goldstar was once again awarded the Citizen of the Year trophy from our town. He graciously attended the ceremony to humbly accept yet another Golden Dove for our crowded mantle, though he does tire of these compulsory affairs. He would rather be steering his remote control racing boat across the many Olympic-sized swimming pools in our neighborhood or climbing the fifty-foot rock wall he installed in our backyard as part of his efforts to provide local teens with opportunities for “good, clean, fun” in his ongoing “Drug Free You and Me” campaign. He and a few dozen retired law officers keep the wall rocking every weekend, while I putter about in the kitchen baking crabby snacks and homemades for all to enjoy.

When not baking for local teens, I can usually be found teaching African villagers to crochet via Skype, as part of my efforts to promote economic sustainability in developing countries, or working on my treatise on perfect parenting (two thousand pages and counting!)

Speaking of parenting, I am sure you are most anxious to hear of Junior’s exploits this year. He managed to summit both Everest and Kilimanjaro, while simultaneously raising twenty-five-million dollars to save the Rainforest through the ground-breaking “Climb for Mankind” charity app he developed in his spare time.

When not volunteering to coach the local boy’s ten-and-under soccer team (National Champions, three year’s running!), junior keeps busy heading up his investment banking firm, specializing in the funding of micro loans to the Inuit peoples. He also did a little modeling this year (for Armani) and appeared as one of the featured dancers in Beyoncé’s new music video. What fun we have discussing  his adventures each Sunday evening, when he comes home to dine with his father and me, along with his best friend and little sister, affectionately dubbed “Sissy” by all.

Sissy’s had a whirlwind year of travel and performances. Though only a senior in high school, she went on twenty-week world tour with New York’s National Theater Company starring as Banana Leaf Sally in Banana Blues, the poignant musical exposé of scandalous banana-farming practices throughout Central America. I think we can safely say she has done her part to shine a light on the serious banana issues facing us, perhaps even saving a variety or two from extinction. Because of her 4.7 grade point average, she was granted permission to homeschool herself while on tour.

It looks like we will have another valedictorian on our hands come May. Princeton and Harvard are battling it out to see who will claim her. Along with tuition, room and board, Princeton has offered her a live-in maid, but she is holding out for a complimentary pony to maintain the horsemanship skills that got her to the Olympics. This summer, she will be sharing her culinary skills as an appointee to the Governor’s Food Lab. Her team will be developing tasty, yet calorie-free school lunch options. Go, Sissy, go!

Mister Eubanks, the sea turtle we rescued while sailing to Jamaica last summer continues to heal in his personal salt water hot tub in the backyard. Thank goodness Big Daddy was able to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on the little dear, while I successfully stitched up the lacerations he sustained from our titanium rudder thanks to my handy travel sewing kit and some nylon fishing line. I quite enjoyed that, and am ready to thread up again, free of charge, should any of our friends or neighbors require suturing. Heaven only knows, but my services may prove essential in the year to come. I may even be impressed upon to expand my practice to minor surgeries. I’ve long suspected my needlework skills would come in handy one day to serve all of mankind and it looks as if that day is dawning. I stand ready, needle and rubbing alcohol in-hand.

All in all, as you can see, it’s been another mundane year in the Goldstar household. Blessings to one and all!

          Muffie, Big Daddy, Junior, Sissy and Mister Eubanks, the turtle