on being (formerly) anxious

So, yesterday, I found myself compulsively cleaning out closets. When the going gets tough, the tough clean closets, right?  At some point, I realized I was putting off several important tasks in order to conduct an emergency intervention on an already-pristine closet. 


After I'd carefully refolded all of my jeans, it dawned on me that I must be anxious: organizing's what I do when I'm anxious. (If you ever come to my house, and every item in every closet is color coded according to size, just take me to the nearest shrink.) Then I got even more anxious about being anxious, as I used to be addicted, but have worked really hard to kick the habit. And... you see how it goes.

If you are not an anxious person, be thankful. Don't ever start, not even one puff. The Surgeon General has warned against it. Anyhow, It just goes to show how hard well-established patterns are to change. I grew up a worrier. Someone in our family had to look at the big picture, to put in time worrying over bad things to keep them from happening, and the job fell to me. In my mind, I'd single handedly kept us out of the poorhouse. A bit illogical, but kids are not logical; kids are kids. However, adults have choices and can work to move beyond their foibles. 

Change doesn't happen in a day, but slowly and continually. Yesterday, I forgot the continually part, as in needing to be vigilant and to keep trying. I got snagged up by this coming weekend. It's a writer's conference. It involves a contest, of which I am among the fifty finalists, and a day-long critique session. This is a big step for me. Yikes. If people think my piece is crappy, I'll be sad.
  If they think it's great, or if it ends up being a winner, I'll feel pressured, and possibly embarrassed to have to walk up to the front and be recognized. What if I trip? Yes, my friends, this is the way that anxious people (and people who used to be anxious, like me) think.

But alas, things are much better today! Actually, writing this out fixes it in some way I cannot articulate. I am not even going to think about the event anymore, only take things as they come and enjoy. It helps that my buddy, Iris, who is also a finalist, gave me a lovely pep talk. We are going together, and we're gonna have fun. Period.